Often these relationships are deeply flawed. Love addicts tend to select partners who have a fear of intimacy and will neglect the relationship. Yet, the love addict maintains a fantasy that everything will get better, their partner will change, and they will finally receive the love and fulfilment they so desperately crave.
Essentially, love addicts are attracted to people who are not able to meet their needs. Even though love addicts feel as though they want a close relationship more than anything in the world, they unconsciously choose partners that avoid closeness at all costs. This relationship dynamic creates a toxic cycle that (though very painful) distracts the love addict from focusing on the unresolved pain of their early childhood.
Relationship Cycles for Love Addicts
This cycle can repeat many times in the course of one relationship. If at any point, the love addicted partner ends the relationship, the avoidant partner may suddenly do a complete 180 and fight to get the relationship back. However, as soon as the relationship picks up again, the familiar dynamics take over.
The first step in recovering from love addiction is to recognize the problem. Like fighting any addiction, the process can be challenging. Feelings of withdrawal may arise. Recovering love addicts may have to face unresolved childhood pain. However, with help, people can break the pattern of love addiction and go on to form truly fulfilling and close intimate relationships.
If a recovering love addict is not currently in a relationship, it is very important that they pay close attention to the type of partner they may be drawn to when entering a new relationship. Otherwise, they may repeat the same destructive relationship dynamics.
The more that love addicts begin to recognize, articulate and understand their role in this addiction, the easier it is to break the cycle. By understanding their past and resolving traumas from childhood, they can develop more inner security. The eCourse Making Sense of Your Life can be a helpful tool in the process.
Can love addiction happen to someone in a long term relationship who still loves there partner but had an affair and the affair partner became the focus of the love addiction but kept both relationships one real the other mostly sexting and telling him you love and need him but still in love with your partner in real life
Love addicts tend to resonate with the term attachment disorder upon looking at the neglect and abandonment they experienced in their childhood. They often cling on in relationships when challenged with their attachment wounds, all because of a deep-set fear of abandonment. As their deep, unmet longing is hard to tolerate, the individual is often left feeling lifeless and empty.
Love addiction creates fixations and compulsions in love interests and can play itself out in unhealthy behaviors toward loved ones. Love addicts can people please, putting the needs of others before their own. It can also result in divorce, affairs, poor job performance, relationship conflict, poor concentration of everyday tasks, enmeshment, clinginess, and emotional distress including anxiety and depression. Emotional highs such as intense passion, and emotional lows, like intense disappointment or heartbreak can eventually strain the relationship, resulting in resentment. Consequently, love addiction may have intense elements of a lack of control present in other addictions, such as sex addiction or a chemical addiction.
Love addiction is a controversial and highly debated condition. Some may argue we are all at risk of having some level of love addiction potential. Despite the many opinions on the matter, love addiction can cause emotional problems and even contribute to the breakdown of a relationship. Furthermore, it is a condition that creates much emotional distress, compulsive behaviors and even obsessions where love, romance and sex are concerned. As a result, people battling love addiction can find themselves in unstable relationships, such as toxic or abusive relationships, which can be abusive both mentally and physically. Unfortunately, many may not be able to identify the dangers that come along with such unions.
People who struggle with love addiction may idolize their love interest and pursue relationships for the sake of the honeymoon phase or become very clingy and overly dependent on their partner. Love addiction can take on the following symptoms, but these signs are not limited to this list:
An additional reason can include using relationships to fill emotional voids. People may feel love would bring life, excitement, and value. In this case, someone can put too much pressure on their partner to be their everything, have poor emotional boundaries, and develop codependent unions. Feeling like someone has all the traits you lack can cause you to see your partner in an idealized light, or constantly seek approval from their partner. Finally, childhood trauma can be a factor. Circumstances like child abuse, rejection, and emotional neglect can contribute to love addiction.
Lastly, the ambivalent (or avoidant) love addict avoids true intimacy. They can function as the one who holds on to past loves, engages in one-sided relationships (unrequited love), and can sabotage their relationships. Furthermore, they are addicted to the illusion of relationships but may run away or be inconsistent about getting close in relationships. Any of these models of love addicts can use sex to maintain unhealthy attachments, lie, manipulate, play out past relationship dynamics, or even threaten themselves or their partner if they decide to leave.
Love addiction can exist with other types of mental or emotional challenges. In the case of trauma, people can seek love in unhealthy places to gain what they perceive as love. Equally, people who seek the highs of love (the dopamine) or people with addictive personalities can find this as a motivating factor in constantly needing relationships and love.
Moreover, if the obsessive love addict cannot maintain the attention or affection of their loved one, he or she can experience feelings of anxiety or even get depressed as their relationships begin to fall apart. The stress love addicts can put on themselves to obtain love, or the compulsive need to maintain or form relationships can become a distracting factor in poor job function or wellbeing. As a result, they can begin to neglect their self-care, further neglecting their needs as they become consumed by emotional highs and lows. They may not be able to function within healthy patterns without someone there to love or be loved by, seeing it as an act of betrayal. These feelings of frustration, rejection, and betrayal can create uncomfortable feelings that people can use chemicals to solve.
Often times, there is an underlying shame and void that needs healing and awareness. Additionally, obsessiveness and anxiety can occur that love addicts cannot fix alone. Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help bring awareness to the love addict as they become mindful of their thoughts. Online therapy can also be an effective option for those with a love addiction and who may wish to opt for at-home treatment. Meditation can slow the feeling of anxiety and bring compassion to the individual suffering.
For most people love and attraction are a natural part of life. Most of us can differentiate between an idealized Hollywood romance and reality. But for love addicts, love becomes a source of addictive emotional highs that distort the real nature of a relationship.
But for some, the pain is too much to bear. When fear of rejection, betrayal and loss overshadows the possibility of the happiness and joy that love can bring, you may find yourself desperate to avoid intimate relationships.
If you are love avoidant, you might not actively avoid love itself. Love avoidants do form relationships, but are unable to allow themselves to be vulnerable with their partners. The love avoidant person is often unconscious of this behavior.
Love avoidants often inexplicably attract love addicts. Initially the relationship may work, with the love addict showering attention and love on the love avoidant, causing them to feel accepted and cared for.
While love addicts require constant emotional reassurance and attention as proof of a loving relationship, the love avoidant person often feels that their love is proven simply by supporting their partner on an economic and physical level.
For the emotionally avoidant person, love becomes an obligation. When their partner expresses distress over the lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship, a love avoidant person may become overwhelmed, turning to pornography, substance abuse, or workaholism as a distraction from their frustration.
By realizing how the pattern of avoidance began, you can put a stop to the destructive cycle that has robbed you of fulfillment. You really can become vulnerable, receptive, and responsive, and enjoy the benefits of a trusting and lasting love relationship.
For Mellody, although codependency can lead to love addiction, not all codependent people are sex and love addicts. Mellody goes further to claim that people who suffer from love addiction tend to attract a certain type of partner, which she refers to as a Love Avoidant.
The avoidant is afraid of intimacy, while the addict is excessively focused on the relationship. Mellody calls this a co-addicted relationship, often characterized by painful cycles of conflict and emotional dependency and unhealthy behaviors. It is an unhealthy addiction compounded by your choice of partner.
Equally, love addicts can feel completely lost when not in a relationship. They struggle to form their own sense of independence and assign their value to their relationship status. In Facing Love Addiction, Mellody highlights three characteristics of love addicts:
Between them, these compatible pain points, and unconscious fears, create a form of trauma-bonding. Both are likely to have mental health challenges and low self-esteem. The result of two people who have an immature relationship to love is another common characteristic of a co-addicted relationship: emotional cycles. Both the love addict and love avoidant experience these in different ways. 2ff7e9595c
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